This edition of Gathered News, the From Then to Now article is about a woman that makes a significant impact on the lives of the members of The Gathering Place with her knowledge and compassion for people. I am not going to mention her name as she cannot have it exposed for personal reasons. In this article, I will refer to her as JJ.
For JJ, who was the middle child in her family, the extreme struggle of her treatment resistant major depressive disorder started when she was just nine years old.
“Genetics definitely were at play as other members of my family also live with it too.”
The onset of her depression occurred during the era of “suck it up buttercup.” JJ spent a big portion of her life putting on a smile so that the world could not tell that there was anything wrong.
Depression changed her way of thinking. “Depression is a masterful liar and it knows what to tell us that we will believe. My monster’s lies were the same as many others - ‘No body likes you. Nobody cares about you. You are nothing. You are worthless. You are ugly. You are fat.’ These became my reality and nothing could change them. “
JJ’s parents were wonderful. She says that her siblings, “fought like cats and dogs.” As the middle child of the family, JJ was the one that was least confrontational. She felt different than the rest of them. Her brother said that she was, “the peacemaker.”
She felt different from the rest but did not realize, at the time, that the others experienced depression too. JJ learned to quietly withdraw to keep out the pain. However, if someone came after one of her siblings, rather than trying to reason with them, “mama bear” came out and she would chase them down with a lesson! “They knew not to mess with her sibling.” JJ, looking back, accepts this over-the-top reaction could be attributed to holding things in and pushing negative emotions aside.
In her teen years, her mask was so good that everyone knew her to be outgoing, happy, and fun. She wanted to be part of the group, and she was. She was the valedictorian; she made straight A’s.
Inside however, her feelings were very dark. She tried to end her life about ten times. In college her mask started to crack a little bit. She thinks it was because she started to let more people in. She lost friends because she was not who they thought she was. During that time, anxiety built up and she did not know about coping skills.
The depression kept getting worse and by the end of her undergraduate, she had tried to end her life two more times. One of those times, she had succeeded but the doctors were able to bring her back. JJ has a deep faith in God, but the depression was so bad that she felt alone and utterly cut off from Him – leaving this life wouldn’t matter since she didn’t matter.
JJ had a 4-year relationship with a guy that resulted in repeated engagements. He knew about her depression and “stuck with me.” He had his own struggles though. This relationship did not work out. JJ started to pray about her social life and she suddenly had several dates. After a few weeks, she decided that she did not like that scene, so she stopped dating. She prayed to God that he would send her the answer.
On Valentine’s Day, there was a knock at the door and when she answered it, there was a guy friend of hers. “I knew God let me know, and it was fast. We were engaged three or four weeks later in March and married in June.”
JJ and her husband struggled with infertility for six years. She had fifteen miscarriages! It was very dark time, and she found that some people were very judgmental. One person even said, “You must have done something really wrong. It must have been really bad so this is your punishment.” JJ stood by her parents’ teachings that we have a physical body, and bad stuff is going to happen. “It will all be okay in God’s hands.” She told the mean person, “Whores on the street have babies so that is not it.”
The lies of depression were talking loud and clear again. “Nobody cares about me.,” “Obviously, my husband would be better off without me because he could find someone better.” “In the twisted lies of depression, when my husband would hold me in his arms and tell me that he loved and he cared about me, I would think, “No, you don’t. You are just one of those amazing humans who saw someone in pain, and you wanted to help them and fix them.” In her mind, the rationalization was that everyone would be better off without her.
Finally, JJ and her husband had a miracle baby. A little girl. Upon leaving the hospital, her husband was sent home with a list of things to watch a new mom for. Symptoms of post-partum depression. JJ started to experience all these symptoms. It was an extremely hard time. The baby was very fussy all the time. Her and her husband were not getting any sleep and the depression got worse. Again, JJ wanted to die but this time, she knew that she could not. She had a baby to care for.
JJ started to do anything she could. She could not take medication as she was nursing. She started to see a therapist. He had her do, “positive self-affirmations.” He had her stand in front of the mirror and tell herself that she is beautiful 40 times several times a day. She knew that she had to do whatever it took to beat this depression, so she did it, but it made her feel worse. She was standing in front of a mirror telling herself what she believed were lies. She felt that there was nothing beautiful about her.
One day, sitting on the floor of her closet holding her colicky little girl, JJ began to pray. “This is too much! You said you wouldn’t give us so much that we couldn’t handle it – but this is too much! Please, help me.” A thought kept coming to her mind that she tried to push away as nonsense and unhelpful, “I love to smile!”
Frustrated, she reached over and grabbed a craft notebook that was in the closet, and she wrote down what kept coming to her mind so that she would not forget it.
As a side note, JJ says that smiling activates muscles that trigger happy hormones to be released, and smiling is contagious. JJ began to realize that because she loves to smile, she leads others to smile and release their own happy hormones and therefore she was not worthless. This gave her the strength to challenge the lies of depression.
She then said that she had big, beautiful eyes. Her dad would tell her that she had her grandmother’s eyes. He told her how kind and caring she was. Now JJ stood in front of the mirror and said, “I have big, beautiful eyes.,” and the lies started to fade away. This was one of her positive self-truths. Now when depression tells her that no one cares about her, she knows that lots of people care about her.
This was the start of her recovery with mental health. JJ says that it does not get better right away, and it can take time to learn coping skills. She says that her brain’s job is to keep her alive and her mind’s job is to keep her safe. She says that recovery is more than possible, it is probable if you are willing to work at it.
JJ wants you to know that “You can allow mental illness to be in charge or you can take control. You have the power to heal! Embrace that knowledge and do the hard work – you truly are worth it.”
One thing that writing this article has taught me is that one cannot even begin to fathom the depth and gravity of another’s true strength and resiliency until you hear their story. I knew that JJ was a strong woman. She, despite living with physical pain, is a beacon of light for the lost. There is so much more that I wanted to tell you about JJ as her story is so incredible, but a newsletter article just does not offer enough room.
On a scale of 1-10, 10 being a strong person, JJ is off the charts! She is a survivor!
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