I’m sorry. There is no need to apologize!

I have over 38 years of lived experience. Yes, I have lived, and yes, I have experienced. What I am alluding to here is 38 years of living with (or under) a mental health diagnosis. When I say "under a mental health diagnosis," that is self-stigma talking. Stigma is always hiding somewhere in the back of my mind, popping up its ugly little head. I hate stigma. I want to stomp on it. You have heard it said again and again. "Mental Illness is not a choice or a character flaw. It is a medical condition, like heart disease or diabetes.” A much more empowering and contemporary way to state this is to own up to it and to defiantly aver, "My mental illness does not define me!" It is your strengths, values, and experiences that shape who you are. There are two things that I find myself openly apologizing for. Name/face recognition and wandering thoughts.

I need to accept that I am challenged by these two everyday occurrences without attributing them to symptoms of my mental health diagnosis. A person does not need a mental health diagnosis to have poor memory or concentration. But, for the sake of this article, it is still something I continually apologize for.One trick I use with the name/face recognition is word association. I link the name to other words stored in my memory. Another trick is asking the person how they spell their name, and then I repeat the spelling. I chalk up my wandering thoughts to having poor concentration. I say to myself, "Sue, you have a diagnosis of (diagnosis) and one of the major symptoms is poor concentration." Is this fair to say? I need to ask myself, what is prompting my apology? Is it self-doubt or fear of judgment? I do not know.I do know that if someone apologizes for having a mental illness in any way, it only reinforces self-stigma and steals the energy needed for healing. So here I am, sitting in the gathering area one day, and I say to someone sitting next to me, "What is your name? Have we met?" The common answer is "Yes." My common reply is "Sorry, I am so bad at remembering names and faces." I feel bad when I get it wrong. Then my co-worker sitting next to me chimes in and says, "There is no need to apologize."

That started me thinking. There is no need to apologize! I just found the theme for my next front page article. Now the hard part. I need to put all this into words.I have crafted a language that better expresses my needs without having to say "I'm sorry."  I now say, "Give me a minute... don't tell me..." I usually get the name right. Even if I get the name wrong, I can see the other person appreciating how much effort I put into it. I have read and love this: "Celebrate every time you decline to make an apology. Each one is a victory against stigma."I am now able to walk into The Gathering Place without being too doubtful. I give myself a moment, use my word association, and cheat if I have to (by looking at the attendance sheet or asking the person sitting next to me who is who). Every time I get the name right, what happens to that ugly little self-stigma bug that pops up out of the recesses of my mind? It gets squashed.

By Susan C. Mader, MSSW, CPS