From Then to Now Amy Payne

I have played many roles in the mental health community including public speaker to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.  I have established and facilitated peer-led mental health support groups.

I am an educator for three of NAMI’s programs.  I have served on several boards including DBSA, NAMI, Connections for Mental Wellness, Aging Disability Resource Center and the Recovery Implementation Task Force which is an advisory board to the State. 13 years ago, I became a Certified Peer Specialist (CPS) through the state of Wisconsin. I help people work on their recovery through peer mentoring. I worked hard to bring Peer Support to this area.  I was the first CPS at The Gathering Place and brought support groups back.  I enjoyed working as the Outreach Coordinator and later as the Executive Director.  My passion stems from wanting to fight stigma so that people get the help that they need and provide a place for them.  These affiliations have helped me do this. 

When I started presenting to the public, I was asked to come and speak to a class at a local college.  It was called, “Abnormal Psychology”.  I had to laugh because the first thing that came to mind was the movie, “Young Frankenstein”.  In one of the scenes, Igor was sent to the lab to retrieve this genius brain. He dropped the brain, so he took another brain off the shelf.  The name on the new brain was “Abby normal.”  I have bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), attention deficit disorder, seasonal affective disorder and binge eating disorder.  Many people would see me as having an “Abby normal brain”. 

As the movie shows, when the abnormal brain was put into Frankenstein, he woke up a monster…. a freak of nature.  This is how many people today see those who have mental illnesses.  Much like Frankenstein, when he was attacked by people who feared him, he tried to hide.  Many people suffer in silence and isolation because they are afraid of what people think, say and do.

My bipolar symptoms started at a very young age.  At eighteen months of age, I would beat my head on the floor until my nose would bleed.  I was delusional and felt I could fly so I jumped from the top of a steep staircase.  I hallucinated but didn’t realize what was happening. When I was 10 my depression was so unbearable that I started to prick my fingers with pins.  The physical pain gave my emotional pain a small break.  Later I turned to cutting.

To give you an example of how I felt inside, I wrote this poem at age 12:   Cold, dark, dying inside. Why can’t they see? Why can’t they hear? I have no more; No more to give; Why then should I care? Why should I live?  My poetry was very dismal and dark.  I felt very alone and knew I was different.  I, like Frankenstein, felt that I was a freak so I hid behind straight A grades so no one would know.  Between the ages of 12 and 19, I was sexually abused many times by different people. I learned that sexual abuse is one of the reasons for my PTSD.  I started to self-medicate with marijuana and alcohol to cope with the trauma and depression. 

At 14, I ran away from home and got caught in New Mexico.  They put me in a juvenile detention center. When I got home, I was put into the juvenile justice system here.  At age 15, I became pregnant with twins and on the day my twins were born, I held them in my arms, looked in their eyes and promised that I would take good care of them.  What I didn’t know is that my undiagnosed mental illness would make the promise nearly impossible to keep.

At age 17 I dropped out of school and got married.  My husband, unbeknownst to us, was also mentally ill and used alcoholic and drugs. He put a gun to my head many times and beat me regularly.  He emotionally and sexually abused me as well.  All this added to my PTSD.  I self-medicated with drugs to cope, but it only got worse.  All I wanted to do was die and I attempted suicide on my 18th birthday. 

After my suicide attempt, I went to a therapist. He said that I should go inpatient, but the stigma of a mental hospital scared me.  I ran away to South Carolina where my biological mother lived.  I was very delusional during this time and thought that I could move cars out of my way just by willing them too. I was not doing well at all.

My ex-husband couldn’t keep a job, so he joined the army and moved us to Ft Bragg, North Carolina.  He only made $400.00 a month. To feed my family, I had to get several jobs. One of them was in a bar where there were more drugs and alcohol to cope with the abuse. 

I was lucky to get out of my marriage with my life and married my second husband who is very stable.  Life was difficult because my mood changed so much. I spent money, stayed in bed, and went through jobs. Eventually, I stopped using drugs and became pregnant with my son, but depression and mania kept me from being able to give my kids the stability that they needed in a mom, and I missed out on them and all the memories. 

Finally, at 34, I started a very successful business but then my mother-in-law passed away which triggered a nervous breakdown. Again, I couldn’t work or be a parent. Thank God for my husband who was there for the kids when I couldn’t be. 

Finally, after my breakdown, I received the correct diagnosis.  I could finally put a name to why I acted so different. I didn’t want it though. I couldn’t face that that meant that I was mentally ill.  My friends and family were telling me that I didn’t have bipolar, and that I just needed to get out of bed.  I lost friends because of it, and I was angry, grieving, and hurting.  If it were as easy as using my own willpower or personal strength to pull myself out of it, I certainly would have. 

After my diagnosis, it took 10 years of taking different medications to find the right ones.  During this time, I couldn’t function enough to work so I applied for Social Security.  After 3 years of denials and a hearing, I got it. During those 3 years we lived on half our income and credit cards.  I felt hopeless, useless, and worthless. If it weren’t for my husband’s income I would have been homeless.  The stress from it all triggered hallucinations and I ended up in the psychiatric hospital.

Since receiving my diagnosis, I see a wonderful Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who prescribes my meds and monitors me closely.  I also see a “talk” therapist once a week. They both care about me, which is important. I have learned about my triggers, symptoms and coping techniques.  My therapist has been in business for over 25 years and is also licensed to work with substance use disorders.  That is important because, I don’t use drugs anymore, but I will always be an addict. 

Support is a huge factor in my recovery.  I found that at The Gathering Place.  I have made so many friends who are just like me.  I have a social life.  I am free from stigma when I am with them.  They understand when I can’t answer the phone or get out of bed.   

What I didn’t realize at the time that I received my diagnosis is that there is hope for people with mental health conditions.  People may be able, and have lived full lives with the right education, therapy, medication and support.  My journey with my mental illness has been very difficult at times.  If I had to change it, besides what my family went through, I would not. I used to have dreams that were rather shallow.  It was horrible letting those dreams go but I now have new dreams which are equally as wonderful.  I like who I am today much better than I did before. Now, when I drive past a homeless shelter, I think about the fact that if it weren’t for having my husband, I would have been there, through no fault of my own.    

My journey has been one of soul searching, researching and finding meaning in my existence.  I feel very successful because I can be here writing this article.  Maybe I have broken stigma or have given someone hope.  If so, I am successful.  I would like to share my favorite quote with you.  It was written by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross for people who are grieving but I feel that it applies to many situations:

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

The Gathering Place is filled with beautiful people.  If you are struggling, need inspiration, hope or a place to be yourself.  Come in and become part of the magic of recovery from mental illness and or substance use.